Monday, February 2, 2015

Tips for Time Travelers arriving at Manila 2015

[Part 1 of the Future Perfect series]

Good day Time Travelers and greetings from the year 4045!

This post will serve as a guide for all you tourist wanting to make the most of your visit in this very amazing point in our history. As such we have listed some tips on how to behave, to avoid being detected as a traveler from the future and to maximize your enjoyment of the tour.

Please read them carefully. If in doubt, please refer to the nearest PATT office in your area.

1. Don't ask help from other people to take a picture of you using your camera. They would instantly know you are not from this era. Take a picture of yourself instead (even if it may sound nonsense). They call it "selfish" or something to that effect.

2. Never eat you're food immediately. They have some sort of procedure here where they take an image of the food then upload the picture to a server somewhere. It is some sort of regulation here. You can only eat it once it is approved by the Department of Food Photographs. In your case, just pretend  for a few minutes that you are taking pictures of your food and uploading it online.

3. When dining with another person, never talk to that person while looking at his/her eyes directly for more than 10 seconds. It is a sign of disrespect. Instead, every 5 seconds or so, look into your phone and pretend that you are typing something.

4. In relation to #3, when you are in the act of doing anything (like walking or buying flowers or buying a drink) make sure to document every 5 seconds what you are doing by typing it into your phone. It is another policy. Just to be safe, it is advisable to do this even when you are alone, in case their Department of Documentation is watching you. Example would be "Taking a drink", "Brushing my teeth", "Peeing" etc.

5. This year, Manila will be visited by a lot of well known personalities all over the world, like the Pope, the French President, the Dalai Lama, Rihanna etc. NEVER EVER LOOK INTO THEM DIRECTLY. Or you will be charged with contempt or attempted assassination or sacrilege or something else. Instead, use your phone to capture a video and then look at the phone screen instead.

6. The people in this year are highly opinionated in terms of government policies and political stands. If someone would ask you what is your take on something controversial, just tell them its the fault of the previous administration. You can even apply to end any argument in general. I.e. "Why is it so dirty here?", "It's the fault of the previous cleaner's shift". Or "Why is this fruit so sour?" "It's the fault of the delivery guy." Don't worry, it is the countries' Official Stand on things.

7. If you happen to meet a local celebrity, it is customary to throw degrading insults at them and their family (like "You're son is gay", or "You're a slut.") They call it vashing in this culture. They would also offer salutatory insulting vashes at you which you should counter immediately until you both part ways.

8. Finally, if the worst case comes and you are discovered to be a time traveler just pretend you have a heart attack or any other sickness. They will let you go immediately. It has many precedents. It is foolproof.

Now, if you become confused by these complicated and nonsensical behavioural guidelines, you can always ask the interwebz for Mr. Google. From the very few documents we gathered, he seem to be a very wise go-to person and knows a lot about this time than anyone else. Just make sure to buy some of his products like Viagra or the rudimentary iPhone 6.

Next time we'll show you some of the best places to go to where you can find artifacts like CD's, DVD's  or even look at the ancestor of our quantum luminal machines, those they call laptops. Or visit the mysterious "malls" back on their heydays. Or even go treasure hunting on their Tyangges and visit the mother dungeon itself, the Devizoria.

That's all for today's tips. Until next time. Enjoy your time out there traveler!

This post is sponsored by the Philippine Authority for Temporal Tourism 


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